I give out O-faces like they're halloween candy
If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
I wore my front clasp bra so he would have to prove his sobriety to me before we had sex.
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
the worst part was waking up this morning to his skrillex ringtone.....when was it ever okay for friends to let other friends go home WITH GUYS LIKE THAT!?
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
You were asking her how her mother would feel if y'all dated, etc. And I was yelling at you your girlfriends name over and over again in between gags and sobs.
I almost went home with him but then my hydroxycut fell out of my purse at the bar and I ran away
I think we've gotten passed awkward... the day I woke up at the palms and ur getting eaten out by the dude who just fucked me on the balcony.
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
no offense but you looked like shit yesterday
tequila is unforgiving..
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
Drunk me made cabbage burritos at 1am after going to hustler hollywood.\nI bought socks. Lol
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