Forget about socially acceptable. Make me happy instead
I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
My new dealer is 16. I have been getting high longer than he has been alive.
I don't see the problem
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
My teacher just let our class out 30 minutes early, its a 50 minute class. He said the only thing we had to do was get fucked up tonight and have stories about it on Monday.
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
Dude I thought she was trying to turn my dick inside out
My purpose is to unleash drunk self on strangers, i believe as some terrifying icebreaker, otherwise i too would offer my driving services.
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
Casey, if you want the continuing love of our mother, you're gonna need to stop drunk texting her from PCB.
Pillow talk?
can't do it. no eye contact either.
Where have you been all my life
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
Randomize
