Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
like why cant he just admit that he still wants to fuck me even though im underage
he didn't want to fuck because he was too busy skateboarding. what are we 12? I'm too old for this shit.
That doesn't help it make any more sense. Because now you've brought pinata condoms into this.
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
You climbed into the Suite next to us at the game so you could steal the half eaten hot dog someone had left on the table. That high.
I will call him whatever I please, including flaccid dick on forehead guy but not limited to watermelon cunt head.
I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.
DONT LET HIM GET NAKED. JUST SAY NO
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
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