Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
u know what's depressing? a picture of an owl without a graduation cap
He's eating a cream cheese sandwich. He's obviously distressed.
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
Tough to say exactly how to play this. I just know people don't like surprises when genitals are involved.
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
Was just trying to have a normal "I fucked you without a condom" adult conversation and she flipped
I wish i didn't black out tuesday so i could have cherished our moment together
Throwing up together is NOT a cherishable moment...
when I found u, u were using a t-shirt for pants
He’s disease free and drives a Porsche. What else does a girl need?
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