I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
walkin around the woods blazed, drawing pictures of trees and plants, i get a grade for this
The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
Also CANADIAN LIPS TASTE OF MAPLE SYRUP AND APOLOGIES. SORRY.
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
Please don't think I'm weird for texting you this at 12:08 am but I just found another picture on the Internet where I think you can see his dick through whatever he's wearing
Its official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
This sucks! All of the twenty something dick I was getting went home when the university closed
Randomize
