wow. When I'm done with him he's going to have to pop his collar in necessity and not just douchery
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
her body is proportioned like a family guy character
Made out with a girl in a wheelchair and rode her around while I was blackout. On a new level.
I was dressed as bob Ross as this occurred
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
I'm out of mixers so I am using sugar water. Times are tough.
There something about a girl that pirates lemonade off a restaurant fountain as a mixer that I find intriguing.
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
Randomize
