i was concerned for your health after you took your "last shot" four times...
i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
you started introducing us as kentucky and gentlemen
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
I came on her face and asked if she wanted fries with that. Currently driving to McDonald's.
Just let me put on a bra and brush the alcohol out of my hair.
Let's just say when I woke up I was still drunk. My hangover hit me around noon so I chilled w my dad and took a bath and shower at the same time. You just can't do that at college
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
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