I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
they had a keg party to fund her abortion.
When you're about to leave, tell him "bye." At that point, he should say something. If he doesn't say anything, well, our drinks were free and he gets a free make out with yours truly.
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
I know I said I wouldn't, but he told me I looked like Mila Kunis. Reasons not to fuck him, go.
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
Please write a memoir and name it "Game Boy and Dick Stuff"
no need to worry, I have the internet and a cape, I can accomplish anything. nothing can go wrong, I am unstoppable. Yo.
Someone came in the potted fern
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
Randomize
