I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
i didn't know falling asleep in the tbell line could get you a dui. Isn't everyone there stoned or drunk?
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
I just banged two guys while dressed like an angel. I love this holiday.
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
i vomited out of my nose in three different houses so far, i will be back for my boots tomorrow
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
WHAT KIND OF GUY JACKS OFF TO A PICTURE OF A BUTT WHAT IS THIS THE 1980s
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
As long as it's more "this is where i see an issue" vs "psst.... tiddies" then i have no argument
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