If you liked it then you shoulda put your dick in it, oh uh uh oh
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
Doap. Just bring some lube and a slingshot. Not sure y we need the slingshot.
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
i hope you're proud of yourself! i just had to ask my boss to put ointment on the rugburn on my back. clothes hurt!
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
I was chasing disarono with Bacardi and watching ice cube movies. It would have been an epic birthday if I wasn't by myself and actually had some decent friends.. Hint. Asshole.
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
I woke up and there is a small Irish man playing call of duty in my room. Discuss.
Randomize
