I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
We just made watching Intervention into a drinking game. We drink everytime someone does drungs.
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
Not that you went to little darlings at 3am. But that you checked in on Facebook. C'mon bro. You're better than that.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
All three of us got laid last night. This is what is commonly referred to as the Trifuckta.
How exactly does one go about seducing an older, possibly blind gentleman?
You was so high that you insisted that you heard someone whistle, then you insisted they was trapped in the wall!
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
Randomize
