I heard it from a little bird bananas is gonna be there
Is this bird reliable bc I don't wanna be wasted running around the bar asking where bananas is
your transformation into a slut upon entering college is like a shakespearian tragedy
Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
I'm honestly considering asking her if I can eat her out, as a friend.
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
Is it a bad sign starting the new year off naked, wet, and alone?
Asking for a friend of course
Randomize
