I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
Don't tell me wow. Tell me this is normal for college and in no way am I a whore.
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
U thinks that's bad? He told me that he had to envision high school wrestling in order to bust a nut with some girl
Seriously, she had fingers that made me thank a god I don't even believe in that I'm gay.
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
I want to respect them as people, but really I just want to have sex with them.
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
U dont jog and buy condoms n bulk
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
Randomize
