He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
So I just watched the Lakers/Magic game so I could have something to talk about with him after we have sex this time
I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
We always end up having sex in random places after class. I need to stop letting this dude borrow my pens.
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
I think she tried to suffocate me with her tits...she almost succeeded.
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
However, pretty glad I spent the night puking on my car instead of fucking him. Then I'd REALLY be miserable.
Randomize
