i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
Marriage: a sacred union between one man and one woman, and another woman in Argentina.
I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
I bet her clit looks like pig in a blanket.
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
i just had to google what happens if your dog eats your nuva ring
Watched him slip somethin into her drink. Dragged him of his bar stool, punched him out, and told her what i saw. Bartender used some chemical to confirm presence of rophynol. Just woke up at her place
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
I'm about to ride on a tractor i have no time for you
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
He agreed to matching Christmas pajamas today, no guy does that for a girl he’s not seriously considering marrying.
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