You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
The walk of shame isn't so shameful when you do it in a stolen, autographed Favre jersey.
if we dont hook up this weekend, im doing both his roommates
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
Ya. My thumbs are those buffalo's, but my legs are spirits and my torso is that Indian guys and my head is the eagle
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
I mean I only got hit in the ass with ONE firework
I take Paypal, cash, sexual favors, and roasted red potatoes with garlic as payment. You choose.
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