ya ever know whats down there. always send some fingers in first to scout the situation. fingers are not used for pleasure. they're used for covert missions.
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
This freshman just ran out of her seat in a 200 person lecture, opened the emergency door and vommed everywhere. Then quietly went back to her seat. $2 Pitchers hit someone hard last night.
Apparently my face was in the trashcan and in between throw ups I was screaming LOS DIABLOS. I woke up this morning with a bird flying around my room. Nobody seems as concerned as I am.
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
Hooked up with a guy dressed as Miss Frizzle last night... Asked if I could ride his Magic School Bus
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
It's just unfortunate that I still have the image of him having sex with me fresh in my mind
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
He was basically a horny puppy - following me around all night and kept sticking his hand down my pants.
He started humming a moment like this when I was taking off his pants.
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