I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
Yeah sketchy neighborhood.. Some woman ran by screaming, "i didn't steal anything" as some cops rolled up and arrested her.
I ended up giving him head, i think it was mostly a defensive move so that he wouldn't discover i was wearing those onesy spanx
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
I guess on the plus side everyone really, really enjoyed my nipple clamps
nothing like walking down the street with a garbage bag of puke trying to find a dumpster
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
I'll give you some choices for what to get me for Christmas. 1.You naked. 2.You naked 3.You naked.
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
I have never in my life been turned down for sex until this weekend.
Welcome to my everyday.
I basically spent the entire weekend in bed with that red head.Every time I tried to leave she got me too horny to think straight. I was kidnapped by vagina
Randomize
