Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
In mid-threesome, need more condoms. Wearing a sheet to the gas station. I'll keep you posted
it is a toga and you are a goddess.
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
Congrats. You are not detrimental enough to my psyche to be discussed during this mornings therapy appointment. Please follow up next week to see if you made the cut.
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
The girls danced. I drank. Then I danced cause I was drunk. Then I ripped tim's shirt off cause I'm awesome.
my math prof is telling us what to do in a gun fight. i dont want to live in oakland anymore.
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
I wasn't an ass in college so much more like I showed my ass a lot especially during serious beerpong games. You know I don't fuck around when it comes to sports.
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
Randomize
