Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
She says ass holes are for stuffing, the verb, not stuffing, the noun.
He is drunkenly eating my teddy grahms and making little growling noises as he bites the head off of each one.
That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
The fire breather is here so I may get my second wind.
He literally sends me dick pictures, EVERY DAY. SEVERAL DIFFERENT ANGLES ..it's like I GET THE POINT.
Her mom walked into the garage as we were smoking a kush blunt with sombreros on.
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
We had sex on a couch that was held together by Velcro. Want to know an unsexy sound? Velcro ripping apart under your bare ass.
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
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