The "puke-towel" started to grow something...
her night didn't end so well, both of her boyfriends got arrested... together.
um, yes. it's my birthday, of course there will be acid.
you can't tell me it's over and send me pics of you and your cat?
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
You are the jesus of drinking
i thought this was a perfectly normal conversation between two adult men about why this children's cartoon is quality television but no you just gotta be talking shit again
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
for future reference, singing eye of the tiger outside my door while i am having sex makes me incredibly uncomfortable
apparently not uncomfortable enough for you to stop
Randomize
