Like my Aunt Merial always says ... big dicks, big dicks.
I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
we have to get out to the bar earlier. all of the guys are already committed to the girls they're going home with.
I don't want to be with anyone who doesn't accept me for who I am. eating cheeseburgers in bed is my favorite activity.
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
i woke up in just my thong, face first on my bed with all the lights on. how hungover do you think i felt?
His mom let me come to his house for a Booty call at 4am. She even cooked us breakfast in the morning and told me im a better moaner than his girlfriend of 4yrs.
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
Randomize
