I have only been in this city 3 nights and there are already 4 bars I can never go back to again.
I thought about farting is his face when he was going down on me last nite.
It's like there's a party and my mouth and everyone's throwing up
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
Complete silence. Background Willy Wonka music. An empty back of Lay's BBQ chips. These are the ingredients for an extreme acid trip.
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
he sent a dick pic to my best friends phone for me cause mine died lol pretty sure he was regretting that night outta town.
you fell asleep with her panties on your face. how are you surprised??
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