if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
Just try to lay there and not be pregnant.
I swiped a lunchable and a gatorade from my one night stand's fridge, does it count as a date now since a meal was included?
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
I have bite marks all over my ass. Is that an acceptable excuse for missing class?
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
Nothing. Its like my body doesn't know how to function on a Saturday when its not hungover and/or still drunk.
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
Is there a single word to describe 'the last guy she slept with before meeting her husband'? Cause there should be.
There's nothing classy about a pregnant girl at a frat party...remember that.
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