Is my tampon string too long for this dress?
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
It's officially time to start saving up weed money for the NCAA tournament
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
thanks so much for stopping me from telling him i want to have sex with him while i proceeded to hookup with the air.
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
I know this is super early in advance but can I borrow your horse mask on 4/20
HE HAS CHALLENGED MY BADNESS. I MUST CONQUER ALL THAT QUESTIONS MY POWER. BRING FORTH THE TIT PICS.
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
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