I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
I thought we agreed I wasn't a screamer?
There's a level of bonding between people at the liquor store at 10:30 in the morning that's unrivaled
Vegas is awesome. Its like you have a kentucky accent girls automatically assume you don't have herpes.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
We sold so many girl scout cookies when we were little. What went wrong?
Maybe walking up to the cops busting our party with a "Things go better with Coke" t-shirt on and asking for my extra license back that my little brother got busted with wasn't the best idea of the night.
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
I dont know about you but I'm not getting out of bed this summer for anything but food or sex
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
...blackout vacation is awesome. Where did you end up? I think i'm in Miami.
Hospital.
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
Randomize
