Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
He's only a freshman and he needs to expirence shit like that..
YOU would be the Freshman Expirence
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
More or less binge drinking as a giant grape seemed justified
You never know, some chick could have a weird unibrow fetish.
I meant to thank you again for giving up a potential interracial threesome to come to my party. I'm glad you stayed!
You can't possibly imagine how much I miss you. At least I'll always have that hidden folder in my computer.
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
You did that scary laugh you always do when you're blacking out except she's never heard it before and though you were choking and screamed at all of us when we didn't call an ambulance
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
I'm at 45 minutes post orgasm, and I still feel my insides spasming. Pretty sure I just fucked Superman.
Randomize
