My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
btw, her name was actually Alixx. in retrospect, it was pretty much a gimme
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
Is it uncouth to have a themed intervention? I know how much you like Star Wars.
Now that we both have boys can we make up games that objectify them as sex toys?
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
Randomize
