I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
Chasing a shot of svedka with a clementine is NOT the same as tequila w lime...
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
Minus the pink eye. Do I look fuckable tonight?
We haven't said piping hot jizz in awhile... that needs to come back into our conversations
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
I don't question myself. That's what I have you for.
I'm honored.
well considering the guy who just delivered my cookies had to console me as i had a mental breakdown in front of him i'd say i'm 4/10 right now, thank you
It is clearly not my fault that you decided studying was more important than trying to bang our hot teacher for an A, so I seized the opportunity.
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
You don't know the capacity of my vagina
I’m torn. She’s crazy - like legitimately “Wear your skin as a suit” crazy. But her blow jobs and dirty talk are Pornhub quality!
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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