i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
Advice for you. Never grate cheese on your counter then not cleanup the scraps, then have your bf over and endup having sex on the counter. Theres literally cheese melted in and around my ass.
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
You straddled the banister and fell down the stairs, then proceeded to crawl back up them, I think you need to lay down
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
Good luck getting that all cat food off in the shower dumbass
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
Was he a virgin!? DID YOU TAKE A GUY'S VIRGINITY ON MY FLOOR!?
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
where are my pants?
in the oven.
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
Randomize
