hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
all her text said was "asdfhdaufhudshfuds" and i knew that meant come over
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
I don't not like him. It's just wierd talking to him because we both know I fucked his wife.
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
i found waldo and immediately set him to work eating me out. please have more out of season costume parties.
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
Randomize
