I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
Just witnessed a fat girl fall off the treadmill, pop a medicine ball, and drink coke out of a water bottle all in one workout.
Buying $100 worth of beef jerkey sounded like a terrific idea last night.
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
I think he's in need of mouth to penis resuscitation. Which I happen to be certified
After a couple hours you decided you were going to walk home but ten minutes later you called and said you'd puked by the side of the road and you needed us to drive you to the art museum.
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
My vagina feels like it's been kissed by angels.
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
oh the usual. high as balls and crying about the hunger games.
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
friends who go to the bar together leave the bar together and im not leaving you behind ohana means family
Randomize
