Well when you're drinking tequila mixed with water out of a steve Austin cup I really don't think acquiring a straw is your main priority
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
Smoked a topless bowl this morning. For International Women's Day. Quite liberating.
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
Well on a lighter note, I had sex in a food truck.
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
You know, I think when I have a lot of free time, thats when I pick up odd lovers. Maybe keeping busy is key to not using my vagina
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
Morning fuck and a coffee. ARE YOU READY TO CONQUER THE GALAXY WITH ME??
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Randomize
