I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
she insisted i was the anonymous guy on formspring that kept asking to bang her
Clearly I went along with it
Acid flashbacks - fact or fiction? Have been seeing a surprising amount of sparkly shit this afternoon...
At this point, I really just need a sign in sheet for my vagina.
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
Go christen that room with your naked body.
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
Sextember may be over, but Cocktober is just beginning!!!
Randomize
