Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
I woke up and blew hamburger out my nose. That kinda night.
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
yeah the little voice in my head screaming YOU NEED TO GET LAID eventually grew legs and started kicking me so to avoid brain damage i had to fuck him
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
He went down on me for an hour and a half. He needs to get promoted more often.
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
Well I kept shouting "you're groovy" at him and then I had a 15-minute argument with the bouncer about how many 9s there are in 100... it was definitely time to go home.
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
Dont ask questions just say words. where can i find plan b?
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize
