You're completely useless in the revolution.
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
Well were gunna have to wash the couch cover now...maybe even the couch, soap or fire your decision
Let's buy some Wrangler jeans and be real live men.
He just showed up. He's like 5'8 and brought a beer pong table that has " I love gay boys" on it. How could this go wrong
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
Sally, Your mom and my mom hooked up in college, we must uphold this tradition.
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
I tried making my own red bull with crushed up caffeine pills, bubbley water and flintstones chewable vitamins. The ER doctor sead I'm lucky to be alive.
Randomize
