you kept calling numbers in ur phone book and saying, "I love your show, I'm a long time listener, first time caller."
i literally in my bathroom watching tv from across the hall while trying not to fall asleep with my dog keeping my feet warm. wednesday's shouldnt be like this
Motor boating, judging by the amount of lipstick I found I would say between 6 to 8 times
I think she's a little more wasted than usual. She just crawled on the floor to tell mom it was time to take a shot.
Dont even bother asking why she was dancing with him on top of a door, let alone how the door ended up being used as a table.
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
Finally buying a camera. Missed out on recording a 3way last night. Hindsight. Ugh.
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
My attempts to make you laugh have failed exceedingly. Naked snap chats it is
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
She looked so much better when u didn't look at her and the music was too loud to hear her
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
Randomize
