Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
SLUTTIEST. 4TH. EVER.
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
Just took adderall with about half a bottle of red wine...i have stopped trying for this last exam
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
This is why you arnt allowed in pet stores
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
Randomize
