Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
Dude so coolest charity idea ever, think aids walk but instead of miles you drink beers oh the possibilities
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
Pants off. Spirits lifted.
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
Worse than that. I caught my roommate jerking off to a topless stripper in gta 5.
She used my 100 Ways To Cope With Stress handout to wipe puke off her face
Not exactly hook line and sinker right away, but I'll give him a second chance. I should sext him me in my blue shark onesie.
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
I just want to see you and express my feelings in a drunken manner, but in a sweet way like my english accent.
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
Randomize
