Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
I just used Master P to describe what sound the letter U makes to my daughter...
So I fucked that hot french guy last night
You do know he's the one who threw up on our table, right? You get to clean it up.
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
its totally unfair that im just as ill-prepared as a 16 year old but there's no tv show for 25 and pregnant.
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
Dude. She came to my room in nothing but a trench coat. Took it off and said, "you like" in her Costa Rican accent. God I love college.
Their first impression of me was that I was completely naked. So yeah college hasn't even started yet and I'm already that person.
he never texted me back from last night. i think brining out the suction cup dildo was a mistake
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
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