I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
I'be color coordinated the clothes in my closet and my underwear drawer. I'm like an advertisement for house arrest. Help.
I think your dick broke my retainer, I normally wouldnt care but my orthodontist died and I don't want my first appt to be blow job broken retainer with a new ortho.
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
Yes. Life would be much easier if we had penises & could do whatever the fuck we want.
I made him laugh his dick is mine
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
That girl is like a master class on how to be an unlovable crazy person.
at the time fanning him with a dish tray seemed like a good idea but when we found it buried in the dirt the next morning i questioned our judgement. needless to say he still threw up even with the extra breeze.
Randomize
