My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
that was probably me. ive bitten a lot of people.
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
So I think before Superbowl weekend begins we should all take a look back on last year and learn from our pitfalls... AKA no touchdown shots and kitchen crying.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
Got home to the hotel 3hrs ago per texts sent not in english to not a full phone number
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
Help everyone's hot
Men are hot women are hot non-binary people are hot aliens are hot
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
I shaved my asshole for this. That's real dedication.
Randomize
