I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
Hey, go out with us like you promised. You're younger than us and should be able to handle your coke problem with grace.
...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
Jello bowls to the fucking face, that or ramen spiked with liq. Those are the only options in this house.
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
Ya I painted "STOP TRYING ANAL" on her headboard. I'm sick of listening to her whine through the wall and bitch the next day.
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
I don't want to resort to having sex with people that actually like me.
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
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