My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
i was so drunk he made me beileve the song was called "thanksgiving sex."
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
Text me when you wake up so I know you're ok. It's really worrisome to get home at this hour and find 3 men passed out in my room but no you. Love you, goodnight. :-)
The Deck is crawling with Cougars. Sound the irresponsibility alarm and come drink with me on a Tuesday night.
When i sexted him a pic of my boobs I was worried he was going to notice the dorito crumbs and know I was just eating topless
Whatever. I'll take my new fine ass dick sucking nails elsewhere.
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
What did we do lastnight that resulted in a $1,896 charge on my credit card with a $2,000 limit
I feel like it's the kind of place that would appriciate my Aladdin vest
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
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