When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
She walked in the room and sighed really loudly fishing for attention. but I didn't bite cuz I don't give a fuck what's wrong with her.
You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
I miss the days when all my weekends consisted of were 69 and crunchwraps
You told me when we were leaving the club if I could pin point your nipple through your padded bra you would show me if I was right.
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
you were so blacked last night that you jumped in the lake fully clothed, then just went back to the bar and walked around like you weren't soaking wet.
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
how am i in montreal? thats like a 3 hour train ride. i remember nothing.
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
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