Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex
this cock blocking thing really has to end bro...its one thing to tell jen i live with my mom.. its another to cut the brakes on my car..
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
He brought wine and beer. I'll put my pants on for wine and beer.
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
Did you blackout Saturday before or after we had sex in a random snow bank?
Is it possible to be drunk burnt? Like sun burnt but from drinking? Cus I think I that's what it feels like
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
I just want to meet a nice normal guy that doesn't want me to taze him while we have sex. . . . .is that too much to ask for?
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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