my weekend in 10 words or less: hot friend of a friend, open bar, beach house, sore. In that order too.
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
No big deal, we were just two friends having sex. It's perfectly normal we don't remember. Water under the sex bridge,
I am a human short and spout . Here is my jager Herr is my redbull . When i get real drink i shout out. Tip me over and pour yeager out
no you went to jail because you don't know how to whisper when offering a cop a blow job. I'm sure him having a chick partner didn't help.
just threw up what i'm pretty sure look like contents of a lava lamp
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
well they never fully had sex so she's like an eskimo step-sister. I'll make a family tree for you.
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
Jesus I was next level high last night having a mental epiphany about the state of Virginia
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
Randomize
