I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
worms taste like bacon by the way.
I always wondered what they tasted like.
I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
while we were having sex she stopped and said, "god is always watching". Then she started again with no other words said. We were fucked up.
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
Found out why I didn't have to go drug test. My boss grew pot to pay for grad school.
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
How was the party
I came home with only one shoe, a t shirt tied around my shoeless foot and I was covered in motor oil. Oh and my shorts were inside out. So you tell me
Totally reading about penis envy for my final exam
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
Randomize
