She told me a very interesting story, complete with pantomimes, about how she got a habanero seed in her vag
so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
he came over wasted, used the bathroom, drank some water, and fell asleep holding my hand. what kind of a fuck buddy does that??
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
I'm so bored right now i'm literally Googleing all the possible ways to get high with household items as my mom is sitting in front of me..
Drinking games this Saturday as usual although the ice cube tray game is banned due to last weeks incident
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
I got a pots and pans set and a vibrator. Merry Crisis.
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