Now you know why i just sit on the toilet and scream
We are winners. And by winners I mean home wrecking sluts
Isn't that what our 20s r for?? Testing the strength of other people's shitty relationships?
I don't want to get into details but it feels like there was a bear mauling involved. A very good bear mauling.
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
Last time he went to Europe, every time he started drinking he would wake up in a different country with no memory. There is no way he can be tour leader.
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
You went in the back with her.. And honestly I couldn't tell her neck from her tits man..
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
Yeah, he fractured his ass by doing a canon ball into the bath tub....
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
The guy i took home was a circus freak. He jerked off 3 times in front me after we had sex. And he came every time.
Randomize
